9 30pm, 29th July 2010.
I don't get why am i always holding back. words, tears, laughter, emotions. I don't think I'm the Jamie that I used to be anymore. I'm not as carefree, i'm not as 'deep' when i could be, i'm not as bubbly anymore. then again, why am i holding back? I thought settling into a new environment that is absolutely open about everything would be so easy. Well I made it LOOKED as if it was easy. but then again, since when Jamie? You're just deluding yourself and also everyone around you. Putting up a strong and impenetrable facade just to prove to yourself that you can do it. Can you though? I'm so fucking self-absorbed. I'm always worrying about the way I look, the way I'm gonna present myself at school the next day. Fuck I feel like the biggest loser in GWSC. I've put on so much weight and yeah no one seems to realize but me. I eat so much in my room. I down myself with so much junk it's scary even to see me in my room.
I've never ever felt so insecure in my life. ever. why can't we do something that we actually WANT and not NEED or SHOULD? not wanting to hurt anyone especially the one of the two people that i give my utmost respect to. having to see the elder one being the guinea pig and live through the life that no one wants. having forced to do something that we obviously don't want to. Why can't you listen to us for the first time? Why can't you let us do something that we actually WANT?
I always knew that you wouldn't notice me in that way. We talk, but all I know is, you wouldn't feel the same way. Heck how would I know? You always act the same way with every girls. It's so weird of me to actually like[?] someone who doesn't stay in a spot. I don't talk to you as much cause I don't know what to say when I'm with you. Words just stop coming out from my mouth when I'm sitting beside you or talking to you. That's why I don't talk to you like before anymore. So yeah now you know why. But heck you don't even know this thing called a blog even exists. I hope you'll get it soon. The only reason why I can't answer "Hey why don't we talk as much anymore? Why don't you talk to me? I'm always telling you stuff.." is all written here.
Screw all this shit. Listen to Down and You Fill My Heart by Jason Walker. The best songs to listen to when you're feeling fucked up both mentally and physically. And also when you're crying. It helps so much with bawling.